So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize