I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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