Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
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