I hate your face
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
