he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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