Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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