I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
