Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
