Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
