i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
