the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
