Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
