You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
