genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
The uberlube is also flammable
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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