I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
