I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
