i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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