Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
