my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
