Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
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