i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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