Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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