My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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