Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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