you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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