he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
he was CRYING into my vagina
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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