You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize