So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
