You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
