I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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