Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
