i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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