I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
