I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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