remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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