I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
porn star boner night. come get it.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
