I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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