She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
