we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize