My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
