You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
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