the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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