I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
