apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
