I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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