i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
