Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I would ride that face into the sunset
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
