well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
