hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
