So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
