I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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