now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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