And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
