There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize