I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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