I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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