ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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