I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
